Before "New Year"

So what's new this new year? Apart from my visibly shorter hairs :(  (Thanks to the girl who trimmed them.) and the fact that my mom is finally convinced that I can cook a decent meal and my future in laws won't call her to complain, how their son is constantly loosing weight. :P

So do you think this one year has changed me?
I think it did in a lot of ways. May be in a less visible manner but surely it did.

To start with I am happy that my fears and insecurities have changed with time. It only proves that I am no more where I was.
At the beginning of this year I thought I need to be more in control of my life and more or less I did act accordingly. Although surprisingly when I least expected it, things turned out to be in my favor. :P (making this year more interesting and exciting for me for sure.... the kind I will love to share with my daughter with all added details in her teenage) Meanwhile I learned to be more patient. Because no matter what, somethings just take time. Sometimes its good not to react at all and let it be. And most of all you can not control how others choose to feel for you. There is very little you can do about it. So stop trying to be a better and a well behaved version of yourself. You are already enough and amazing the way you are and in case you find yourself doubting just call your chaddi buddy friends. :D

And I know its foolish but it is worth mentioning, that I am little over my phobia of lizards after my summer internship days.

I hated June (Internship days) so much, and surprisingly not because my HR thought it was ok to expect 3-4 algorithm implementation each day when she knew nothing about them, but because I hated staying away from home. Because that 3rd floor hostel flat was the worst place to be in during holidays. It had all kind of insects, bees that use to swarm in my bedroom every morning from God knows where, a guest appearance by a monkey that almost gave me a heart attack, and adding to that was the scorching heat of June and ceiling fan to survive. (And yes I have already mentioned about the lizards + Mess food + what not, you name it )

Placement season, well lets not go there. My BP might shoot up. :P

GATE that's another thing that I have found to keep myself busy. WOW.

Honestly, I have no idea how I can summarize this one particular year of my life. My thoughts are scattered, my feelings are unresolved and like any other normal person I am scared to step into the unkown.

But at the same time I am hopeful and that makes this year a little less of a disaster. :P

Recently one of my friend pointed out, I was smiling the whole time while I was in a conversation. And I hated to admit but yes maybe I did blush. And if she is right, its generally among first few signs. :P ( what I read as a disaster)

Employee referrals. :D Yippy, Hurray. I want to kiss the person who came up with this idea.

One question that I stumbled upon this year and is now becoming the reason behind most of my decisions. "If you get a chance to meet your 10 year younger version, what will you tell yourself"?

I just wish and hope that I will have something interesting to work on in 2014. That is the only thing I really want right now. And yes finally a much awaited trip with my high school friends. Smoothning wont hurt either. :P (Yes, that will be all for my wish list of year 2014)

PS- I shall now update my blog once the semester gets over. So do wait and come back again. Till then take care and enjoy :D
Happy New Year in advance :)

The idea of 'US'

It is the sound of our names together,

and the trail of echoes it leaves behind.

It is things as simple as those,

that draws my thoughts back to you each time. 

It is the scent you carry,

and the dimples of your smile.

That makes me forget,

all about those stupid fights we had last night.

It is the touch of your hands,

and the memory of my fingers tracing your fine lines.

Which forces me to consider,

if John Keats could possibly be right. 

It is when I see you waiting for me,

standing alone with deep eyes.

I loose all the progress I made last week,

to forget and focus on better issues of life.

So maybe this is how we are,

and how we will be. 

Complicated as hell,

going on and off constantly.

Knowing what we are,

and what we will never be.

A beautiful idea,

more than we actually ever could be.

Rebooting your Life

Okay, this was supposed to be uploaded a long time ago, but for some reason I chose to keep it in my drafts. But then last night something happened and I couldn't resist and share this one.

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"I can't believe I am unpacking all my stuff, I was so excited to go to shimla. Damn this college." I said with despair in my tone and with a hint of anger in it. 

"Who the hell said college was fun?" Ipshita said in an even bitter tone. "We have zero campus culture, not a single cute guy, faculty that drives me crazy, compulsory courses and add to that the misery of wearing college uniform. Ughh I hate this place." 

Now for those who do not know. Ipshita is one of the closest being I ever had to a sister. She is funny, ambitious, kind and all those good things, but most of all what I like about her is, life becomes a roller coaster ride when she is around. 

"Why I am not surprised." I said half joking. 

"Shut up, that was not funny. I am depressed.... And frustrated...Somewhat irritated too...and Blah blah blah." She said sulking.

"Know what? Let’s go for a walk." I said and I stood up to find my slippers. 

She agreed as well but only after I promised her a sundae.

...................................................................................................................

"Let’s go out someplace this weekend na, I am sick of this place." I asked Ipshita.

"Well who is not. Let’s check noticeboard, we might find something interesting. Moreover lots of college festivals are going around this season." Ipshita answered and we continued forward towards the main notice board.

..................................................................................................................

"Look, here. A salsa workshop."  Ipshita said indicating towards a poster on the notice board looking excited.

"Sweet heart. I hope you do know Salsa requires partner unless of course you are willing to learn guys step for me." I said teasingly with a bit of sarcasm.

"Oh yes, partner. My life sucks eternally." She said.

"Well that makes two of us." was my immediate response. 

After a couple of minutes she said "Excuse me, you do have a partner. I am not sure if you are thinking clearly." 

"Haha, I am dying laughing on this one. We do not even hold hands and you are telling me to ask him for a salsa workshop. How brilliant of you." I said in a matter of fact tone.

"You know studies reveal that man like woman taking the initiative. Just saying you know......", and she shrugged in a typical cute girly manner, happy with herself for making an inside joke.

"And you do know your sundae is long lost forgotten story after this one." I said and gave her an ugly smile.

"acha acha sorry."

................................................................................................................................................

"Anyways let's see who is organizing." I said to change the topic.

"Some Aaryansh Aghnihotri. Nice name na. Look he has a vodafone too. " Ipshita pointed out.

"Hmm, yes its a good name." I nodded.

In that brief moment, we both knew what was going in our heads. And the next thing i know was we both were on a speaker call.

................................................................................................................................................

"Hey is this Aaryanh", I said.

"Yes speaking." was his response.

"Well I came across this notice for a salsa workshop, and I was wondering if I can register on the spot, because as of now I am not sure if I will be participating or not." I inquired.

"Yeah, Sure you can. May I please know from which college you are speaking." He questioned.

Now this was the question we weren't prepared for. So I ended the call in haste.  This was not the way we hoped for it to go. But after a couple of minutes cell phone vibrated again. It was a message from the same no. and we both lit up. 

"Hey you did not mention me your college name." was the message he left.

And we quickly decided to go with Hansraj.

"Well me and my friend is from Hansraj, but the problem is my friend do not have a partner. " We texted back.

"That should not be a problem, there will be many without a partner i suppose" was his response to our text message. 

"Actually the thing is my friend is pretty amazing, so you know. Why don't you go with her. You seem to be a nice guy to me."  We replied.

By now we were already rolling on the floor laughing. 

.

.

.

And this went on for a long time. Poor guy, he thought he got lucky. 

............................................................................................................................................

PS- I am going to miss our crazy times. It was technically our last semester together, and somehow things wont be the same ever after but I still wish to believe they will. From shouting in the corridors to spamming each other facebook wall. From juniors to seniors. From my 2 birthday's in May to your 3 birthday's in September. :P The way we order our food as if we haven't eaten from a month or so and end up saying... "bhaiya pack kerdo", and most of all how we never needed anyone to share our inside jokes.

And yes Plz Plz tel my future husband/bf to be as amazing shopping partner as you are. :D (just girly things)

And one story that i undoubtedly want to tell your kids is... " How I met your mother". Again.... how can you cry that much? :P 

And to the rest who are still curious, we told the poor guy about our intents later and said sorry. He created a little fuss initially but apologized himself (perks of being a girl). We still have his number saved as "Never ever Pick up".

5th Dec 2013

I know exactly how i want it to be,  but yet whatever I write never seems enough. Maybe because this story matters to me, or may be because this is the only story that ever mattered to me.

#PenguinPublicationAnnualLecture. Only my roommate know how excited i was to receive a confirmation mail for the event. But then the stupid stupid (one stupid won't do) delivery boy who did not deliver passes to me well in time. :(

Rendezvous with a friend. From sec 18 to connaught place. From books to keventers. Boy, you make me do stupid things. "Why should boys have all the fun?" hehe (winks)

Happiness is having somebody to call at 4 am. :)

#Socks - in every possible color. :D #December

The problem with most of us is, we compare our inside with others outside.

After all these years, I still wonder what would it be like to be addressed by my own name. (no you can not comprehend this one)

"I can call you pretty, but still I will call you beautiful. Because beautiful has so many more meanings for which pretty is not a substitute."
:O

And yes, I have finally found the word . Psithurism it is.
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#KidPresident. He definitely made me smile today. :)

And just so that you know, I am not the only fan. President Obama himself called him and asked him to meet in person after watching his videos.
Do check him out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5yCOSHeYn4

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Before Sunset
(few of my favorite excerpts)

Celine: I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
.
.

Journalist #1: Do you consider the book to be autobiographical?

Jesse: Uh, well, I mean... isn't everything autobiographical?

.
.

Jesse: You want to know why I wrote that stupid book?

Celine: Why?

Jesse: So that you might come to a reading in Paris and I could walk up to you and ask, "Where the fuck were you?"

Celine: [laughing] No - you thought I'd be here today?

Jesse: I'm serious. I think I wrote it, in a way, to try to find you.

Celine: Okay, that's - I know that's not true, but that's sweet of you to say.

Jesse: I think it is true.

.
.
Jesse: You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the... details of the time that we spent together. You know, like just a reminder that... that once we really did meet! You know, that this was real! That this happened!
.
.

Jesse: Oh, God, why didn't we exchange phone numbers and stuff? Why didn't we do that?

Celine: Because we were young and stupid.

Jesse: Do you think we still are?

Celine: I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.

Jesse: And you can screw it up, you know, misconnect.

25th Nov

(yes that's my room)

Honestly when you use to drop me till school bus everyday, it use to annoy me a little. Why will any high school going kid like that anyways. :P But then now when I think about it, I feel a whole lot different about it. I know I argue a lot, I am stubborn and miss managed. Careless at times. And most of the times I tell you "I will do it on my own. Let me do it my way". And all such sort of things. But the truth is I can not. The fact is I can take the risk and be myself because I know you are there to help me sort out in case I end up in a soup. :) I do not think, I can ever Thank God enough for letting me have parents like you. :)  [ and you need not to get sentimental on this one,(just in case you are reading) you know I can be a Devil and an Angel at the same time :D]

Because I fear failure so much, that I end up worrying and working more on my backup plan, instead of my original plan. And eventually I end up doing all the wrong things. #LearnToHaveLittleFaith

And then there are people I meet, who will talk about Ayn rand's philosophy, will encourage the idea of "Do what you like doing the most" but will most probably end the discussion by forcing on the idea, that a 3.25 job in a MNC is probably a best shot of success and happiness for an avg. student. Really?

Happiness is finding a sticky note, with an encouraging message, to start my day with. Lucky to have few friends, I know who really care. :) Thank God we have 1 more semester together.

Medicines. It was fine till then. No needles please. :(

Not really into the grand wedding thing, or to say simply "wedding". But this is really nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPtXgivTKog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGnK_UslZes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZPVHaPCfso (my personal fav.... i m loving d bride here.. she is so fun)

(must be the music and editing skills)

And I have no Idea why every one assumes they know what is good for me.

The idea of starting a brand new life somewhere in the hills, teaching kindergarten students and having time to cook myself a breakfast and enjoy a book by the window with a hot cup of coffee in the evening . #exciting (or less ambitious? I will never know the difference. )

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For silly Romantics.

ONE DAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1tSxwpUz7Y

This is one of the best things I have watched in days. Made me cry literally. (Trust me not many movies can do that to me). Everything I will say will be taken otherwise, so i will just refrain from the idea of writing a review. But go and watch this movie because I am saying so. You will thank me later.

For Animation Lovers

MONSTER UNIVERSITY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODePHkWSg-U

Totally fun. Initially I was not so sure, if I will like this movie and in fact I kind of ignored it after going through its trailer. But then my Graphic's teacher insisted on the idea of watching this one. Thankfully this time I did.

Defining moment of the movie and my personal fav. is when mike gets his college ID card. Watch it and you will know why.
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Will I be something?
Am I something?

And the answer comes:
You already are.
You always were.
And you still have time to be.
-Anis Mojgani

15 Nov 2013

#Sleepover, possibly one of the best remedies in the world. 

#Cold + #Major Project + #Sleeping Dose , Worst combination ever.

#22, not sure what i want. It sucks.

And sometime I do not know what do i feel or how do i feel about the whole thing. And this is when i ignore talking. Bear with me if you can. :|

And just maybe, I will never reach a conclusion. #ignore

#Library Fine + #Mess Food = Side effects of college

When a 3 year old cry for you :(. #i miss u 2 myra <3

And if it was legal to kill few irritating people, my life would have been certainly normal. (Not sure if being serial killer will be counted as normal. :P)

.......................................................................................

Because I think he is cute, or may be the kind of roles he play :D

(from his latest movie :D )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQYz7f7enjI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmmLH0JWo-Q

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNC1FDR8Ays

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“To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love”

― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

(Delena fans will understand)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10SVwR8K9mI 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78AOCLReZeg ( i like this one)

Mixed set of priorities

"Good choice, I like the guy", Ananya said looking amused with herself as i savored last few sips of my take away coffee.
Coming back from my train of thoughts, confused I looked around. "What?" I exclaimed.
"The guy you are staring at. I think he is kinda sexy." She explained.
"Seriously, Ananya." was my only reaction.

Well Ananya can be little pushy and compelling at times, but somehow I still feel she is one of the best thing that happened to me in college. I have absolutely no idea how I would have survived these brutal years of my graduation without a friend like her, specially considering the fact that I can be a little "drama queen" at times. Like say, today itself.

We have our own spot, where we usually hang out after classes. A small open air theater at the backside of a nearby mall. It is nearly walking distance and doesn't take more than 10 mins. to reach.  I like this place. For one, not many people come here except few occasional couples and two, the view is spectacular.

Adding to the view is all the festive decoration and lighting used by mall authority.

"Well, I was not staring at him." I explained. "I was just thinking about something."
"You sure?" She asked teasingly.
"Positive." I said laughing. "And moreover, he is not even my type."
"You know, you need to stop typecasting guys, or should I say outcasting 99% of human male population. Right?" said Ananya with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah, I know. I got you. Thumps up. Now lets talk something else." I said quickly changing the topic.

"So, what were you thinking about?" Ananya asked again.
"Nothing just in general." I said and shrugged.
"Did not look like in general." She argued.

"You don't give up. Do you?" I said half jokingly.
"No I don't." said Ananya. "And you in particular love guessing games. Com'on just tell me. Is it about 'missing  someone'?"
"Noooo, Ananya." I said stressing on my no. "I know exactly what you are hinting at, but seriously no. Not my concern anymore. Just in general." I repeated again, not looking at her this time.

"I am waiting, you know that right?" Ananya said looking persistent.
"Well, I was just thinking about the interview I had." I said playing with my take away coffee cup.
"Okay, so you are anxious about your result. It is gong to be fine." She said trying to convince me.

"I don't think its about the results, I think I already know what is going to happen. Its the feedback that I am worried about." I said looking in the thin air.
"What feedback?" She asked in a confused tone.

I narrated her the entire scene and told her, "At the end of my interview, my HR said I need to prioritize my life. I need to reevaluate, if what I was doing is what I really wanted to do at the first place. I tried hard to convince her, talked about my n no. of projects but all she said was its not about what you are telling me, its about what I can see."

"Its okay, Yar. Forget it. Don't allow her to play tricks on your mind and moreover become the reason you doubt your life decisions. Plus its not like she always wanted to become an HR." Ananya said. "I wanted to become an astronaut. Doesn't mean I can be one."

"Hmm." I said and gave her a subtle smile though not sure if was convinced.






   

25th October 2013

Because its one of those kind of a day, when the sun shines bright and the wind blows cold. The kind of a day, a Jane Austen fan will slip away, to sit and read her favorite book in peace. #Soothing #Satisfying

I think I love Autumn and not just because it holds metaphorical value. #October

When poetry becomes the reason, 2 people connect and characters in the classics become the reason they Argue. #Almost Romantic

Moment you let a stranger see, how vulnerable you are, and you turn friends. Moment she helps you figure out if all the drama is worth it. #Clearly NO

It wasn't like "all the drama" in my life did not occur to me in those few brief moments, but i guess i chose to overlook. As they say, Happiness is a decision not a destination.

Growing up, its a difficult process. Sometimes it means learning the difference between Sample outcomes and Feasible outcomes. (when event is your life) #Yes I am learning Probability these days :P
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Having a bad day?
Two movies to laugh out loud with. :D

1) DUE DATE - Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis. Do i need to say more. Trust me watch it and dont                              let IMDb rating confuse you.

Here .. Link to the trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p3NnJ_oiE0

2) BAD TEACHER - Awesome to the power awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTMUa8HfnBw

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"We read fine things but never feel them to the full until we have gone the same steps as the author."
— John Keats

From Parallel Universe, one that is ahead in time

I know you have a lot of questions for me, and I wish I could have answered them precisely and accurately. But sadly that is not how it works. I can't tell you if life will or will not be like the fairy tale you imagined. But at the same time i want to let you know that every event in future is an outcome of the decision taken by you in present. Decision whether or not you will stick to the hard way, because there will always be an easy way.

There are going to be times when you will wake up early in the morning, realizing it was just a dream and you do not need to be scared anymore. Good news is you are not pretending or lying to yourself anymore. You exactly know what do you fear the most. It becomes easy when you know what you are fighting against.

At some point of time you are surely going to doubt the people in your life. Not one, not two but most of them. Don't give up on them yet, they might surprise you.

You are going to see people, who will always work their way out without even moving their asses (literally). They will have what you always wanted and worked for. Equation for them will always remain simple + easy on the other hand for you it will always be complicated + difficult. And you might also give them a little attention and envy them for the first couple of days. But the fact is, if it is complicated + difficult, it is because you think that way. (Life is a cheesecake, at least that what i like to imagine)

You may think, emotional bondage hold you back and you are better off without it. But I still want you to think of it as your strength and not your weakness. Emotions give you a shape.

And most importantly i always want you to believe in your favorite word, "Peregrination", Keep moving. :)

PS- and yes possibly you will always wonder, obsess, stalk and will try to unravel the mystery of "why this person was described in such a god like manner". Maybe be because you know the answer already or may be because you think too much. I wish it is the later part. :|
***- Surely you don't know what i am talking about, neither do i wish to let you know. :P Some thoughts are so private that either you do not share them at all, or share them with million users over internet.

Calvin And Hobbes

Because

1) I am obsessed with Calvin.

2) In spite being a 6 year old, He talks about life more brilliantly than 99% people i know.

3) His arrogance is more on the cuter side.

4) I wont mind having kids like him (though they will b such a pain i m sure :P)

5) I have literally browsed half of the internet for the comic strip.

6) And most of all, Its getting kind of repetitive on facebook cover photos. :P

Here are my few absolute favorites.

1) Its only work when someone makes you do it.

  Explains a lot.

2) Ignorance is such a Biss.

If you can't sort it out, JUST IGNORE it. Maybe things will sort out themselves with time. :) 

3) Incapacity to tell the difference.

Boy, I love your attitude. Be stubborn, be crazy. And don't ever let any one, not even yourself talk you into the idea of "Its not possible". Because it is very much possible.

4) If People sat outside and looked at the stars.

Seems True to me. 

5) I Hate You.

Because we don't always mean what we say, and say what we mean. 

6) Try Jumping.

Things will happen, once you will step out of your comfort zone.

7) You don't get to be a mom, if you can't fix everything just right.

Accept it, she has a solution to your every damn problem. And even if not, she can cheer you up and fill you up with new hopes while siting miles away :)

8) Killing the time.

This is what i hate about myself. I should be out there, enjoying life, exploring things and not siting here banging my head against walls.

9) I am going as a barrel of toxic waste.

To his sense of humor. SALUTE.

10) Everybody I know needs what i am selling.

Sarcasm at its best.

11) We Don't read about Dinosaurs. 

Education system. Sigh.

12) I told you not to read this.

Hence, intelligence of male species proved. Hehe.

13) That's Life.

14) Expressing Individuality ?

Yeah we are all fools.

15) Its not Denial, I am just very selective about the reality i accept.

And The best of all

Hope you enjoyed reading them, as much as i enjoyed compiling them. :)

Just Friends

"You are late. AGAIN" I said almost exasperated. "I am leaving now study on your own. And Possibly try and flunk tomorrow, so that you learn to be on time. I am sick of it. And Where the hell is your cell phone? I have been calling you for like forever."

I was probably turning green in anger and all i could see was Rishabh standing just in front of me while keeping a safe distance, making funny faces; trying to calm me down. Telling me to relax.

Obviously we were the center of attraction.

"Excuse me please." He shouted across the tables. "One Nutty Fudge brownie for the lady please. With some hot chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream." And he turned around to look at me, raising his eyebrows in almost a cute way, "Will that make it?"

Here was my cue, and without a pause i added to my treat. "Plus one lemon iced tea please. Thank you."

He took a seat opposite to me.

"So what is the excuse this time?" I asked him, while getting back to my normal self.
"And I thought i was not answerable to this question after the brownie."
 And we both laughed at his comment.

"Alright, but what about your cell phone? Why have you switched it off?" I asked him in a matter of fact tone, possibly knowing the answer already.

"Leave it, you don't want to know. It's just Tanya,she keeps pestering me all the times and I hate it so much. For her, all what a boy friend is ought to do is, help her manage her mood swings, pamper her all the times and accompany her while shopping." He replied almost irritated.

"What else is girl friend for? Stealing kisses in the khopchas of campus?" I asked teasingly.
"Of course not. How can you think so low me? I wont mind booking a room." was his spontaneous quirky response.
"Ughhh.....Shut up. You were right. I don't want to know." I said stopping him midway, knowing well that i can never win an argument with him when the subject is dirty.

In few minutes are order was served and without wasting much time we followed through the topics of the test one by one.

Approximately after an hour since we started, Rishabh leaned forward from across the table and nearly hissed, "To your 4'o clock.". In all these years, we have developed this unique coded language, which we generally use to indicate the direction of hot girls.

I moved a little, making sure it doesn't look deliberate. And with the corner of my eye, I looked into the direction.
"What? There is no one." I said confused.
"Idiot, that guy over there. He is staring at you." He said looking impressed with himself and equally amused.
"Why? Do I have something on my face?" I asked consciously, bringing one of my palm near to my face. "Oh God, this is so embarrassing. Why you did not tell me about it before."

"Are you serious? He is a GUY. We don't stare because some girl has something on her face. We stare when we find them appealing. You blonde." He said surprised, as If i have such a less knowledge about the behavior of opposite sex.
"Ohh i see, but the fact is you guys stare almost all the times for apparently no reason." I said stating myself loud and clear, making sure I sound legitimate. "And by the way he is not staring at all."
"You are blind. I can bet he wants to talk to you, If you just give him a try." He said putting his argument forcefully.
"You know, we are still left with lot of topics to cover. Can we debate about it later." I said as always ignoring the topic.

"Why can't you just accept the fact that others can fall in love with you, that someone can possibly be dying to date you. And moreover people can genuinely compliment you. What is it?" He demanded to know, being pushy beyond believe this time.
"I am leaving, you sit here, question all day to yourself. And maybe that what they will ask you in test tomorrow." I said nearly in frustrated tone, gathering my notes from the coffee table.
"You are not going anywhere this time. I am not letting you leave this discussion." He said with authority in voice, looking straight at me.

"Whats the big deal?" I said completely pissed off. "I just don't feel like that. I just don't wish to feel insecure, miserable about things that do not even matter. I don't want to be the one trying to get the attention and feel like i am in race with other girls and I have to prove my worth every time. I don't want to pretend someone that i love them whole heartedly when i don't. I don't like guys complementing me because i wanted some body who can actually give those compliments a meaning for me. That is all it is about. Did I answer your question now?"

"And what makes you think you are in race with other girls?" He asked. "Do you know I have always loved you?"

I stood there not knowing what am i suppose to say next. And just before I could respond, he stopped me midway saying, "Don't worry, I know what you have to say. You don't need to explain yourself. And I promise I wont let anything change the way we are now. Best friends."

And He just smiled. This was the first time that I ever realized, his smiles and presence do matter to me. Because they assure me. It will be ok. :)

Because it matters

Yeah Yeah... i know, what am i doing here on my blog. I should have been preparing for my test, and those n number of things that are lined up for me. But anyways as always i have just one answer... "Because i want to"

Now for those who are wondering what this post is about.... Lets just say its a small thank you note. Because smallest gesture matters to me the most. It is to let you know (in case you read my blog :P) that more than your words, i notice your actions. Even the tinniest details of your actions don't go unnoticed. In fact they are the ones that i value the most, because they are involuntary. :) Its a good idea to recall them every once in a while, just to know there are people who love you. :D

1) When your mom says "You will find a way. You always did." :)

2) In spite of being the least expressive human being on this planet, your brother places an online order of fabric colors, with a note "try something new", when you tell him.... "mera mann nahi lag raha".

3) When your dad, just cant accept the fact that you have grown up. :P

4) You have a elder cousin, who called you insane names, irrespective of the fact that you are six or sixteen. Now it sounds weird when they call you by your real name in public. :P (No i am not telling you those names. :P )

5)You have a friend who will put her boy friend's call on hold for you. And if he cribs about it, she will tell him loud and clear. "She matters to me more than you. Got it?"

6) Its your special day, and you want something perfect and elegant to dress up. You march down each and every store of GIP with your friend, and tell yourself "I am doomed" and she shouts at you and say "SHUT UP we will find something for you." And drags you till the end of the universe and find the most perfect off white color dress of all times, with perfect matching heels. (It was almost magical.)

7) Your friend comes running 3 floors to wake you up for 9 am class. In spite of knowing the first thing you will tell her is, "I so badly want to kill you". :P

8) You have a friend who is always the first one to wish you Birthday.

9) You have friends who will go through your entire blog post, even if it doesn't interest them. Just to encourage you. :)

10) You have a teacher, who will always believe in you. :)

What do I long for?

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.”

― Charles Bukowski

I have heard people stating many a times that life is simple, the most complex questions have a very simple answer. We are just not looking at it in the right way. Can it be the other way round ? Can simple questions have complex answers ?

I was having this conversation with a friend last week, when eventually I ended up talking about authors. Authors who are praised and  read world wide, without whom i suppose the term "literature" itself will hold a little less of its meaning. And strangely enough, they all have something in common, i.e. they all write with a purpose. If you look into their private lives and theme of work close enough, you will observe a pattern.

Sylvia Plath an american poet and short story writer. Those who cant recall her, do you remember "Mirror", a short poem as a part of our English syllabus. Yes, author of the very same poem. Most of her work falls into a category of confessional poetry. Her poems are full of references and images that seem impenetrable at this distance, but which could mostly be explained in footnotes by a scholar with full access to the details of her life. She lost her father at a very early age, had a miscarriage and found her marriage falling apart, which she always thought about as love at first sight. Her husband (Ted Hughes) was cheating on her.

Let me show you, one of my favorite pick from her work.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Can you relate it now? Does it makes sense to you now after knowing about her personal life? What do you say was she longing for something? Was she desperate? Undoubtedly YES.

Enid Blyton most of her work revolves around child fantasy. She wrote stories of child adventures. Blyton adored her father and was devastated after he left the family to live with another woman. Blyton and her mother did not have a good relationship, and later in life, Blyton claimed to other that her mother was dead and ultimately did not attend either of her parents' funeral.  Am I wrong to think of her work as an attempt to relive all those happy childhood moments that she missed? Can i think about it as a flight of imagination for things she longed for?

Jane Austen the author of my favorite "Pride and Prejudice". She wrote six novels during her lifetime, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey and Persuassion. All based on the theme of romance and happily ever after.  But surprisingly in her real life she never found her Mr. Perfect. I wonder why she was so good in imagining those happy ever afters may be because she longed for them herself.

Now when this conversation got over, self realization hit me hard. What do i write about? And moreover what do I want to write about? What is it that i am looking for??? Do i write to settle down my rage? or in the name of fiction, creativity and imagination; I am trying to communicate my emotions with you??? What is it?

At times like these i really question my level of sanity. Why cant I have a simple answers like everyone else. Like in this case it would have been much simpler if i would have answered myself "I write because i like to write." Why do i need to over think and over analyze everything, every situation? Its not necessary that everything has a logic or purpose.

But anyways I am happy that i at least found myself an answer. Answer is beyond insane, but its a proof of my patience and ability to hold on, when i know it doesn't make a sense and Its nothing more than a useless pointless effort and wastage of time and energy.
Ok, don't put efforts interpreting my last lines. You are not getting close anyways :P and this makes blogging even more interesting. :P

PS- I know this should have been a diary entry instead, but anyways I read it somewhere; one must learn to embrace his/her own weirdness. :)
  

What all I am, and what not

1) Sometimes i like to sit and watch children play and smile at them occasionally for no reason. Shy ones look away cutely as if they did not see me smiling at them, few smile back and run away ... and 4 me its one of the most cutest sight of the world. :)

2) I absolutely love, when someone goes through my entire blog post. Even if he/she is a stalker i don't mind :P.

3) I do not cry. Or it will be more appropriate to say crying doesn't come naturally to me. Frustration, irritation is more like my way of expressing.

4) As much as i like my writings to be read and understood, i equally like being anonymous and not being understood and judged.

5) If you matter to me, I make sure you know it.

6) I like to look at stars in summer breeze and listen to music.

7) While everyone wants and love to work on stage, i like the idea of working off stage. 

8) Stress gives me pimples and hair fall. I don't like either of them. :P

9) Yes, I am a control freak. I like things in order and exactly at the place where they belong. 

10) No, I am not on whats app, nor do i plan to. Stop asking me. I absolutely hate chatting and networking. Call me anti social i don't mind. I call it being selectively social.

11) No, I am not use to of compliments. Or is it because all my life i have been waiting for someone to validate them and give them meaning for me.

12) I am more of Jane Austen, John Keats type romance. But what a tragedy none of them fully experienced what they so intensely and passionately talked about.

13) I absolutely love confectionery. Every inch of me craves and get tempted by confectionery stores. 

14) There is something beautiful in a half painted canvas. It has room for more. Does that make sense to you?

15) Yellow is my favorite color. Odd??? i like it anyways ... its bright and joyful :)

16) I like the sound of blowing wind, and the sound leaves create in the blowing wind. I don't know how to describe it. Can you imagine?? Or ever noticed??

17) Singing along my fav. lines of fav. songs. Though i am a pathetic singer :P

18) Long Drives, late hours, a window seat and some slow music. :)

19)  Smiling at strangers.

20) Sometimes i wake up in the morning with regret and wish to go back on a particular date.

21) Yes i have trouble sleeping, and i am superstitious about few things.

22) Have you read, "The third level" ? I wish to live such a life. So less complicated.

23) I am an engineer and i am suppose to love gadgets. But i feel after a certain limit they just add more problems in your life. Sometimes its good to be unreachable. :)

24) And i still do believe in fairy tale endings. :) Though i am probably the one criticizing most about it. :P

PS- This is just an excerpt of me, it will take another 1000 post like these to understand me :P i m such a rare piece ;)

Between the lines

I imagine you calling my name,

kissing me quite insane.

So I re read your postcard again.

Wondering if i skipped a line,

which was written maybe to imply.

All what remains unsaid and between the lines.

I sit to pen down a reply,

pouring my heart and promising to get by.

But in spite of all, I end up writing how the weather seems fine.

Because what all is being unsaid,

is not necessarily unfelt.

And so my hopes and imaginations choose to stay in between the lines.

Philosophical saddistic me

1) Sometimes its good and necessary to be bad, so people value you, when you are good with them.

2) Don't help unless someone ask for it, let them know they need you.

3) If some one irritates you, tell them. They deserve to know.

4) Before saying YES to others. Make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

5) No one will stay with you forever. Its just you. So make sure you love yourself the most.

6) Don't try, Do it. That is the only way you will have it.

7) Do what you feel is right for you. Not what others think is right for you.

8) Don't let your entire existence depend upon others opinion. Free yourself from emotional clutter, it wont       lead you anywhere.

9) People who want to stay will stay.

10) Sometimes just let it be.

The moon

“The moon was up, painting the world silver, making things look just a little more alive.”  ― N.D. Wilson, Leepike Ridge

TO DO

Since i am kind of vella right now, and everyone in my world seems to be busy. Few with their internship and the rest with their projects and group meetings. Also I am tired of killing time on facebook, where virtually everyone is having a blast. So i ended up building a castle in the air with a list of things.

1) PAINT :  If something can distract my vague thoughts, it is painting. I absolutely love that part of me. Right now i can imagine myself painting all those bits and pictures in my head i have collected while traveling for my internship. Wait they will be posted soon I promise, because that what i am planning to invest my time on.

2) READ : After "If you could see me now", "Animal Farm" is next on my list. I am hoping for some light moments and intelligent humor as suggested by a friend.

3) CRICKET AND FOOTBALL : Now that i see everyone talking in terms of cricket and football. I think i should learn bits of it so i can talk a little about it. At least should know the teams and players. Will be good for a start i guess. Any one wishing to volunteer?

4) TRAVEL : Okay, honestly I don't know when in my life i will have the pleasure of travelling and see the big world out there. But i do have my plans. My itinerary is not the stereotype of famous holiday spots instead it is a baggage of pictures i have browsed randomly (not sure if its the place or the photographer... or may be even photoshop) that attracted me. I wish to go and see those places where those pictures were taken, from the same angle from the same position. I wish to sit there enjoy the scene and absorb the beauty of it.
Hint: I really love Heights and water bodies, minus cold weather.

5) COOK : Not like everyday. But something special everyday. Watch Ratatouille, you will understand.

6) DSLR : Not sure if i am into photography. But i know its will help me give reason to people staring awkwardly, to understand why anyone will like to hang out alone.

7) SHOP : I want to shop till i drop. In my language shopping is treating yourself. If i am in bad mood, it adds little something to cheer me up.

PS- Thanks for bearing with this lame post. :P . Cant help it. I am bored.  

Letter to a friend

I had a dream last night. About us.

Not that its the first time, but somehow it felt different. I don't know. Its hard for me to explain and keep it in words right now.  But still if i try hard to put it in words,  "It was intense but oddly calm and soothing". We spoke nothing at all, not anything that i can recall or reproduce right now. I can just remember the silence we sat with.

It was almost midnight, i was sitting on the same rooftop of the store room beside the field. Do you remember the place?  It was just like old times, just like it use to be. Refreshing and green with the smell of the dirt, and merrily sprinting trees around. Remember how we use to jump walls to secretly sneak into the private field, completely avoiding "TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED". And the consequences and rebukes we faced because of it. Anyways i still don't regret a single moment of it or even the scolding sessions, my childhood and teenage wouldn't have been the same without it.   Amazingly that place still hold a huge sentimental value to me and will remain special to me in spite of the fact that its no more a field. It has outgrown itself into a jungle of concrete. I still do go out thr sometimes alone, when i miss you. Sit thr in silence with all those funny stories of our teenage in my head. How we discussed our lives our choice of careers, men.... family. How we wanted our lives to be after 10-15 years. And more importantly how badly we wanted to stay the bestest besties for ever and ever.

In my dream i was sitting in the dark silently, gazing at the stars, which were few in number. I was clearly missing you. Wanted to tell you so many things i have been experiencing in my waking life. And after few minutes i turn around and i see you sitting by my side. It was magical and miserable at the same time. For a moment i was happy, then realization hit me. You can not be thr. Its my imagination. I said nothing neither did you, and we both sat thr silently and cried. Occasionally looking at each other and smiling stupidly.

I woke up with moist eyes at 4 am. Needless to say couldn't go to bed again. My roomie is slowly getting tired of this. She can not understand, why i wake up in the mid of night and prefer to take a walk in the corridor instead. May be its because i think about you more often these days and i know its just my sub conscious that is doing the trick.

Events after that accident have started to fade away but somehow my feeling of grief multiplies everyday. Everyday i miss you a little more than yesterday. It wont be wrong to say that first few weeks were the easiest for me. May be i was in the state of denial. Perhaps that was the reason i did not come more often to see you in the ICU. Or may be I was scared to see you like that or accept that its actually happening. I remember my mom getting worried for me, and explaining me all the time. That even if you survive, you wont be the same person i knew since 2nd grade. Full of life, enthusiastic, talkative, empathetic and the one i was not ashamed to enjoy my dark side with. Instead you will be bed ridden, paralyzed and most probably wont be able to feel or analyze anything. Brain dead basically.

I sometimes dwell upon the if's and but's. If it was possible for me to change the course of events. If i would have asked you more often or tried to convince you not to be so dangerously close to danger. If i was not so busy with my own life and entrance exams at that point of time and if i had time to hear your latest stories of adventure. If and only if i could have tried a little more. But then sometimes i think to myself you were the wild child and spontaneous one, i was just the shy kid next door. How i could have ever expected you to change into ordinary one like me, who calculates the risk first and then step into the ocean. Its stupid. I loved your company, every one did. Because I basically loved being you, exploring my wild side. I loved being the partner in crime with you. It was hell so much fun. Specially when i knew you have my back. You will look after me no matter what.

Last time we talked, It was just after i received my admission letter. And you were telling me how things going to change. I will be living in a new city with new set of friends and possibly a new bestie. And i told you and promised you that i will visit you every vacation. We promised we will call each other every other day. And will always remain besties.

I absolutely hate myself for not going to see your parents more often in spite of living so close. I want to, but its so damn difficult. I have absolutely no idea how to talk to your parents or what to talk about. I was never good at socializing you know that. Instead It was you always finding new friends for me. I was the one hesitating to even ask a glass of water, when you will go and open up the fridge to check what you want to have on just one casual invitation "beta kya loge". 

Basically i just miss you. And no one can fill the void you create.

PS-HAPPY B'DAY :)