I had a dream last night. About us.
Not that its the first time, but somehow it felt different. I don't know. Its hard for me to explain and keep it in words right now. But still if i try hard to put it in words, "It was intense but oddly calm and soothing". We spoke nothing at all, not anything that i can recall or reproduce right now. I can just remember the silence we sat with.
It was almost midnight, i was sitting on the same rooftop of the store room beside the field. Do you remember the place? It was just like old times, just like it use to be. Refreshing and green with the smell of the dirt, and merrily sprinting trees around. Remember how we use to jump walls to secretly sneak into the private field, completely avoiding "TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED". And the consequences and rebukes we faced because of it. Anyways i still don't regret a single moment of it or even the scolding sessions, my childhood and teenage wouldn't have been the same without it. Amazingly that place still hold a huge sentimental value to me and will remain special to me in spite of the fact that its no more a field. It has outgrown itself into a jungle of concrete. I still do go out thr sometimes alone, when i miss you. Sit thr in silence with all those funny stories of our teenage in my head. How we discussed our lives our choice of careers, men.... family. How we wanted our lives to be after 10-15 years. And more importantly how badly we wanted to stay the bestest besties for ever and ever.
In my dream i was sitting in the dark silently, gazing at the stars, which were few in number. I was clearly missing you. Wanted to tell you so many things i have been experiencing in my waking life. And after few minutes i turn around and i see you sitting by my side. It was magical and miserable at the same time. For a moment i was happy, then realization hit me. You can not be thr. Its my imagination. I said nothing neither did you, and we both sat thr silently and cried. Occasionally looking at each other and smiling stupidly.
I woke up with moist eyes at 4 am. Needless to say couldn't go to bed again. My roomie is slowly getting tired of this. She can not understand, why i wake up in the mid of night and prefer to take a walk in the corridor instead. May be its because i think about you more often these days and i know its just my sub conscious that is doing the trick.
Events after that accident have started to fade away but somehow my feeling of grief multiplies everyday. Everyday i miss you a little more than yesterday. It wont be wrong to say that first few weeks were the easiest for me. May be i was in the state of denial. Perhaps that was the reason i did not come more often to see you in the ICU. Or may be I was scared to see you like that or accept that its actually happening. I remember my mom getting worried for me, and explaining me all the time. That even if you survive, you wont be the same person i knew since 2nd grade. Full of life, enthusiastic, talkative, empathetic and the one i was not ashamed to enjoy my dark side with. Instead you will be bed ridden, paralyzed and most probably wont be able to feel or analyze anything. Brain dead basically.
I sometimes dwell upon the if's and but's. If it was possible for me to change the course of events. If i would have asked you more often or tried to convince you not to be so dangerously close to danger. If i was not so busy with my own life and entrance exams at that point of time and if i had time to hear your latest stories of adventure. If and only if i could have tried a little more. But then sometimes i think to myself you were the wild child and spontaneous one, i was just the shy kid next door. How i could have ever expected you to change into ordinary one like me, who calculates the risk first and then step into the ocean. Its stupid. I loved your company, every one did. Because I basically loved being you, exploring my wild side. I loved being the partner in crime with you. It was hell so much fun. Specially when i knew you have my back. You will look after me no matter what.
Last time we talked, It was just after i received my admission letter. And you were telling me how things going to change. I will be living in a new city with new set of friends and possibly a new bestie. And i told you and promised you that i will visit you every vacation. We promised we will call each other every other day. And will always remain besties.
I absolutely hate myself for not going to see your parents more often in spite of living so close. I want to, but its so damn difficult. I have absolutely no idea how to talk to your parents or what to talk about. I was never good at socializing you know that. Instead It was you always finding new friends for me. I was the one hesitating to even ask a glass of water, when you will go and open up the fridge to check what you want to have on just one casual invitation "beta kya loge".
Basically i just miss you. And no one can fill the void you create.
PS-HAPPY B'DAY :)
