What do I long for?

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.”

― Charles Bukowski

I have heard people stating many a times that life is simple, the most complex questions have a very simple answer. We are just not looking at it in the right way. Can it be the other way round ? Can simple questions have complex answers ?

I was having this conversation with a friend last week, when eventually I ended up talking about authors. Authors who are praised and  read world wide, without whom i suppose the term "literature" itself will hold a little less of its meaning. And strangely enough, they all have something in common, i.e. they all write with a purpose. If you look into their private lives and theme of work close enough, you will observe a pattern.

Sylvia Plath an american poet and short story writer. Those who cant recall her, do you remember "Mirror", a short poem as a part of our English syllabus. Yes, author of the very same poem. Most of her work falls into a category of confessional poetry. Her poems are full of references and images that seem impenetrable at this distance, but which could mostly be explained in footnotes by a scholar with full access to the details of her life. She lost her father at a very early age, had a miscarriage and found her marriage falling apart, which she always thought about as love at first sight. Her husband (Ted Hughes) was cheating on her.

Let me show you, one of my favorite pick from her work.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Can you relate it now? Does it makes sense to you now after knowing about her personal life? What do you say was she longing for something? Was she desperate? Undoubtedly YES.

Enid Blyton most of her work revolves around child fantasy. She wrote stories of child adventures. Blyton adored her father and was devastated after he left the family to live with another woman. Blyton and her mother did not have a good relationship, and later in life, Blyton claimed to other that her mother was dead and ultimately did not attend either of her parents' funeral.  Am I wrong to think of her work as an attempt to relive all those happy childhood moments that she missed? Can i think about it as a flight of imagination for things she longed for?

Jane Austen the author of my favorite "Pride and Prejudice". She wrote six novels during her lifetime, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey and Persuassion. All based on the theme of romance and happily ever after.  But surprisingly in her real life she never found her Mr. Perfect. I wonder why she was so good in imagining those happy ever afters may be because she longed for them herself.

Now when this conversation got over, self realization hit me hard. What do i write about? And moreover what do I want to write about? What is it that i am looking for??? Do i write to settle down my rage? or in the name of fiction, creativity and imagination; I am trying to communicate my emotions with you??? What is it?

At times like these i really question my level of sanity. Why cant I have a simple answers like everyone else. Like in this case it would have been much simpler if i would have answered myself "I write because i like to write." Why do i need to over think and over analyze everything, every situation? Its not necessary that everything has a logic or purpose.

But anyways I am happy that i at least found myself an answer. Answer is beyond insane, but its a proof of my patience and ability to hold on, when i know it doesn't make a sense and Its nothing more than a useless pointless effort and wastage of time and energy.
Ok, don't put efforts interpreting my last lines. You are not getting close anyways :P and this makes blogging even more interesting. :P

PS- I know this should have been a diary entry instead, but anyways I read it somewhere; one must learn to embrace his/her own weirdness. :)