Because it matters

Yeah Yeah... i know, what am i doing here on my blog. I should have been preparing for my test, and those n number of things that are lined up for me. But anyways as always i have just one answer... "Because i want to"

Now for those who are wondering what this post is about.... Lets just say its a small thank you note. Because smallest gesture matters to me the most. It is to let you know (in case you read my blog :P) that more than your words, i notice your actions. Even the tinniest details of your actions don't go unnoticed. In fact they are the ones that i value the most, because they are involuntary. :) Its a good idea to recall them every once in a while, just to know there are people who love you. :D

1) When your mom says "You will find a way. You always did." :)

2) In spite of being the least expressive human being on this planet, your brother places an online order of fabric colors, with a note "try something new", when you tell him.... "mera mann nahi lag raha".

3) When your dad, just cant accept the fact that you have grown up. :P

4) You have a elder cousin, who called you insane names, irrespective of the fact that you are six or sixteen. Now it sounds weird when they call you by your real name in public. :P (No i am not telling you those names. :P )

5)You have a friend who will put her boy friend's call on hold for you. And if he cribs about it, she will tell him loud and clear. "She matters to me more than you. Got it?"

6) Its your special day, and you want something perfect and elegant to dress up. You march down each and every store of GIP with your friend, and tell yourself "I am doomed" and she shouts at you and say "SHUT UP we will find something for you." And drags you till the end of the universe and find the most perfect off white color dress of all times, with perfect matching heels. (It was almost magical.)

7) Your friend comes running 3 floors to wake you up for 9 am class. In spite of knowing the first thing you will tell her is, "I so badly want to kill you". :P

8) You have a friend who is always the first one to wish you Birthday.

9) You have friends who will go through your entire blog post, even if it doesn't interest them. Just to encourage you. :)

10) You have a teacher, who will always believe in you. :)

What do I long for?

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.”

― Charles Bukowski

I have heard people stating many a times that life is simple, the most complex questions have a very simple answer. We are just not looking at it in the right way. Can it be the other way round ? Can simple questions have complex answers ?

I was having this conversation with a friend last week, when eventually I ended up talking about authors. Authors who are praised and  read world wide, without whom i suppose the term "literature" itself will hold a little less of its meaning. And strangely enough, they all have something in common, i.e. they all write with a purpose. If you look into their private lives and theme of work close enough, you will observe a pattern.

Sylvia Plath an american poet and short story writer. Those who cant recall her, do you remember "Mirror", a short poem as a part of our English syllabus. Yes, author of the very same poem. Most of her work falls into a category of confessional poetry. Her poems are full of references and images that seem impenetrable at this distance, but which could mostly be explained in footnotes by a scholar with full access to the details of her life. She lost her father at a very early age, had a miscarriage and found her marriage falling apart, which she always thought about as love at first sight. Her husband (Ted Hughes) was cheating on her.

Let me show you, one of my favorite pick from her work.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Can you relate it now? Does it makes sense to you now after knowing about her personal life? What do you say was she longing for something? Was she desperate? Undoubtedly YES.

Enid Blyton most of her work revolves around child fantasy. She wrote stories of child adventures. Blyton adored her father and was devastated after he left the family to live with another woman. Blyton and her mother did not have a good relationship, and later in life, Blyton claimed to other that her mother was dead and ultimately did not attend either of her parents' funeral.  Am I wrong to think of her work as an attempt to relive all those happy childhood moments that she missed? Can i think about it as a flight of imagination for things she longed for?

Jane Austen the author of my favorite "Pride and Prejudice". She wrote six novels during her lifetime, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey and Persuassion. All based on the theme of romance and happily ever after.  But surprisingly in her real life she never found her Mr. Perfect. I wonder why she was so good in imagining those happy ever afters may be because she longed for them herself.

Now when this conversation got over, self realization hit me hard. What do i write about? And moreover what do I want to write about? What is it that i am looking for??? Do i write to settle down my rage? or in the name of fiction, creativity and imagination; I am trying to communicate my emotions with you??? What is it?

At times like these i really question my level of sanity. Why cant I have a simple answers like everyone else. Like in this case it would have been much simpler if i would have answered myself "I write because i like to write." Why do i need to over think and over analyze everything, every situation? Its not necessary that everything has a logic or purpose.

But anyways I am happy that i at least found myself an answer. Answer is beyond insane, but its a proof of my patience and ability to hold on, when i know it doesn't make a sense and Its nothing more than a useless pointless effort and wastage of time and energy.
Ok, don't put efforts interpreting my last lines. You are not getting close anyways :P and this makes blogging even more interesting. :P

PS- I know this should have been a diary entry instead, but anyways I read it somewhere; one must learn to embrace his/her own weirdness. :)
  

What all I am, and what not

1) Sometimes i like to sit and watch children play and smile at them occasionally for no reason. Shy ones look away cutely as if they did not see me smiling at them, few smile back and run away ... and 4 me its one of the most cutest sight of the world. :)

2) I absolutely love, when someone goes through my entire blog post. Even if he/she is a stalker i don't mind :P.

3) I do not cry. Or it will be more appropriate to say crying doesn't come naturally to me. Frustration, irritation is more like my way of expressing.

4) As much as i like my writings to be read and understood, i equally like being anonymous and not being understood and judged.

5) If you matter to me, I make sure you know it.

6) I like to look at stars in summer breeze and listen to music.

7) While everyone wants and love to work on stage, i like the idea of working off stage. 

8) Stress gives me pimples and hair fall. I don't like either of them. :P

9) Yes, I am a control freak. I like things in order and exactly at the place where they belong. 

10) No, I am not on whats app, nor do i plan to. Stop asking me. I absolutely hate chatting and networking. Call me anti social i don't mind. I call it being selectively social.

11) No, I am not use to of compliments. Or is it because all my life i have been waiting for someone to validate them and give them meaning for me.

12) I am more of Jane Austen, John Keats type romance. But what a tragedy none of them fully experienced what they so intensely and passionately talked about.

13) I absolutely love confectionery. Every inch of me craves and get tempted by confectionery stores. 

14) There is something beautiful in a half painted canvas. It has room for more. Does that make sense to you?

15) Yellow is my favorite color. Odd??? i like it anyways ... its bright and joyful :)

16) I like the sound of blowing wind, and the sound leaves create in the blowing wind. I don't know how to describe it. Can you imagine?? Or ever noticed??

17) Singing along my fav. lines of fav. songs. Though i am a pathetic singer :P

18) Long Drives, late hours, a window seat and some slow music. :)

19)  Smiling at strangers.

20) Sometimes i wake up in the morning with regret and wish to go back on a particular date.

21) Yes i have trouble sleeping, and i am superstitious about few things.

22) Have you read, "The third level" ? I wish to live such a life. So less complicated.

23) I am an engineer and i am suppose to love gadgets. But i feel after a certain limit they just add more problems in your life. Sometimes its good to be unreachable. :)

24) And i still do believe in fairy tale endings. :) Though i am probably the one criticizing most about it. :P

PS- This is just an excerpt of me, it will take another 1000 post like these to understand me :P i m such a rare piece ;)

Between the lines

I imagine you calling my name,

kissing me quite insane.

So I re read your postcard again.

Wondering if i skipped a line,

which was written maybe to imply.

All what remains unsaid and between the lines.

I sit to pen down a reply,

pouring my heart and promising to get by.

But in spite of all, I end up writing how the weather seems fine.

Because what all is being unsaid,

is not necessarily unfelt.

And so my hopes and imaginations choose to stay in between the lines.

Philosophical saddistic me

1) Sometimes its good and necessary to be bad, so people value you, when you are good with them.

2) Don't help unless someone ask for it, let them know they need you.

3) If some one irritates you, tell them. They deserve to know.

4) Before saying YES to others. Make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

5) No one will stay with you forever. Its just you. So make sure you love yourself the most.

6) Don't try, Do it. That is the only way you will have it.

7) Do what you feel is right for you. Not what others think is right for you.

8) Don't let your entire existence depend upon others opinion. Free yourself from emotional clutter, it wont       lead you anywhere.

9) People who want to stay will stay.

10) Sometimes just let it be.

The moon

“The moon was up, painting the world silver, making things look just a little more alive.”  ― N.D. Wilson, Leepike Ridge

TO DO

Since i am kind of vella right now, and everyone in my world seems to be busy. Few with their internship and the rest with their projects and group meetings. Also I am tired of killing time on facebook, where virtually everyone is having a blast. So i ended up building a castle in the air with a list of things.

1) PAINT :  If something can distract my vague thoughts, it is painting. I absolutely love that part of me. Right now i can imagine myself painting all those bits and pictures in my head i have collected while traveling for my internship. Wait they will be posted soon I promise, because that what i am planning to invest my time on.

2) READ : After "If you could see me now", "Animal Farm" is next on my list. I am hoping for some light moments and intelligent humor as suggested by a friend.

3) CRICKET AND FOOTBALL : Now that i see everyone talking in terms of cricket and football. I think i should learn bits of it so i can talk a little about it. At least should know the teams and players. Will be good for a start i guess. Any one wishing to volunteer?

4) TRAVEL : Okay, honestly I don't know when in my life i will have the pleasure of travelling and see the big world out there. But i do have my plans. My itinerary is not the stereotype of famous holiday spots instead it is a baggage of pictures i have browsed randomly (not sure if its the place or the photographer... or may be even photoshop) that attracted me. I wish to go and see those places where those pictures were taken, from the same angle from the same position. I wish to sit there enjoy the scene and absorb the beauty of it.
Hint: I really love Heights and water bodies, minus cold weather.

5) COOK : Not like everyday. But something special everyday. Watch Ratatouille, you will understand.

6) DSLR : Not sure if i am into photography. But i know its will help me give reason to people staring awkwardly, to understand why anyone will like to hang out alone.

7) SHOP : I want to shop till i drop. In my language shopping is treating yourself. If i am in bad mood, it adds little something to cheer me up.

PS- Thanks for bearing with this lame post. :P . Cant help it. I am bored.