What do I long for?

“Writers are desperate people and when they stop being desperate they stop being writers.”

― Charles Bukowski

I have heard people stating many a times that life is simple, the most complex questions have a very simple answer. We are just not looking at it in the right way. Can it be the other way round ? Can simple questions have complex answers ?

I was having this conversation with a friend last week, when eventually I ended up talking about authors. Authors who are praised and  read world wide, without whom i suppose the term "literature" itself will hold a little less of its meaning. And strangely enough, they all have something in common, i.e. they all write with a purpose. If you look into their private lives and theme of work close enough, you will observe a pattern.

Sylvia Plath an american poet and short story writer. Those who cant recall her, do you remember "Mirror", a short poem as a part of our English syllabus. Yes, author of the very same poem. Most of her work falls into a category of confessional poetry. Her poems are full of references and images that seem impenetrable at this distance, but which could mostly be explained in footnotes by a scholar with full access to the details of her life. She lost her father at a very early age, had a miscarriage and found her marriage falling apart, which she always thought about as love at first sight. Her husband (Ted Hughes) was cheating on her.

Let me show you, one of my favorite pick from her work.

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Can you relate it now? Does it makes sense to you now after knowing about her personal life? What do you say was she longing for something? Was she desperate? Undoubtedly YES.

Enid Blyton most of her work revolves around child fantasy. She wrote stories of child adventures. Blyton adored her father and was devastated after he left the family to live with another woman. Blyton and her mother did not have a good relationship, and later in life, Blyton claimed to other that her mother was dead and ultimately did not attend either of her parents' funeral.  Am I wrong to think of her work as an attempt to relive all those happy childhood moments that she missed? Can i think about it as a flight of imagination for things she longed for?

Jane Austen the author of my favorite "Pride and Prejudice". She wrote six novels during her lifetime, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey and Persuassion. All based on the theme of romance and happily ever after.  But surprisingly in her real life she never found her Mr. Perfect. I wonder why she was so good in imagining those happy ever afters may be because she longed for them herself.

Now when this conversation got over, self realization hit me hard. What do i write about? And moreover what do I want to write about? What is it that i am looking for??? Do i write to settle down my rage? or in the name of fiction, creativity and imagination; I am trying to communicate my emotions with you??? What is it?

At times like these i really question my level of sanity. Why cant I have a simple answers like everyone else. Like in this case it would have been much simpler if i would have answered myself "I write because i like to write." Why do i need to over think and over analyze everything, every situation? Its not necessary that everything has a logic or purpose.

But anyways I am happy that i at least found myself an answer. Answer is beyond insane, but its a proof of my patience and ability to hold on, when i know it doesn't make a sense and Its nothing more than a useless pointless effort and wastage of time and energy.
Ok, don't put efforts interpreting my last lines. You are not getting close anyways :P and this makes blogging even more interesting. :P

PS- I know this should have been a diary entry instead, but anyways I read it somewhere; one must learn to embrace his/her own weirdness. :)
  

What all I am, and what not

1) Sometimes i like to sit and watch children play and smile at them occasionally for no reason. Shy ones look away cutely as if they did not see me smiling at them, few smile back and run away ... and 4 me its one of the most cutest sight of the world. :)

2) I absolutely love, when someone goes through my entire blog post. Even if he/she is a stalker i don't mind :P.

3) I do not cry. Or it will be more appropriate to say crying doesn't come naturally to me. Frustration, irritation is more like my way of expressing.

4) As much as i like my writings to be read and understood, i equally like being anonymous and not being understood and judged.

5) If you matter to me, I make sure you know it.

6) I like to look at stars in summer breeze and listen to music.

7) While everyone wants and love to work on stage, i like the idea of working off stage. 

8) Stress gives me pimples and hair fall. I don't like either of them. :P

9) Yes, I am a control freak. I like things in order and exactly at the place where they belong. 

10) No, I am not on whats app, nor do i plan to. Stop asking me. I absolutely hate chatting and networking. Call me anti social i don't mind. I call it being selectively social.

11) No, I am not use to of compliments. Or is it because all my life i have been waiting for someone to validate them and give them meaning for me.

12) I am more of Jane Austen, John Keats type romance. But what a tragedy none of them fully experienced what they so intensely and passionately talked about.

13) I absolutely love confectionery. Every inch of me craves and get tempted by confectionery stores. 

14) There is something beautiful in a half painted canvas. It has room for more. Does that make sense to you?

15) Yellow is my favorite color. Odd??? i like it anyways ... its bright and joyful :)

16) I like the sound of blowing wind, and the sound leaves create in the blowing wind. I don't know how to describe it. Can you imagine?? Or ever noticed??

17) Singing along my fav. lines of fav. songs. Though i am a pathetic singer :P

18) Long Drives, late hours, a window seat and some slow music. :)

19)  Smiling at strangers.

20) Sometimes i wake up in the morning with regret and wish to go back on a particular date.

21) Yes i have trouble sleeping, and i am superstitious about few things.

22) Have you read, "The third level" ? I wish to live such a life. So less complicated.

23) I am an engineer and i am suppose to love gadgets. But i feel after a certain limit they just add more problems in your life. Sometimes its good to be unreachable. :)

24) And i still do believe in fairy tale endings. :) Though i am probably the one criticizing most about it. :P

PS- This is just an excerpt of me, it will take another 1000 post like these to understand me :P i m such a rare piece ;)

Between the lines

I imagine you calling my name,

kissing me quite insane.

So I re read your postcard again.

Wondering if i skipped a line,

which was written maybe to imply.

All what remains unsaid and between the lines.

I sit to pen down a reply,

pouring my heart and promising to get by.

But in spite of all, I end up writing how the weather seems fine.

Because what all is being unsaid,

is not necessarily unfelt.

And so my hopes and imaginations choose to stay in between the lines.

Philosophical saddistic me

1) Sometimes its good and necessary to be bad, so people value you, when you are good with them.

2) Don't help unless someone ask for it, let them know they need you.

3) If some one irritates you, tell them. They deserve to know.

4) Before saying YES to others. Make sure you are not saying NO to yourself.

5) No one will stay with you forever. Its just you. So make sure you love yourself the most.

6) Don't try, Do it. That is the only way you will have it.

7) Do what you feel is right for you. Not what others think is right for you.

8) Don't let your entire existence depend upon others opinion. Free yourself from emotional clutter, it wont       lead you anywhere.

9) People who want to stay will stay.

10) Sometimes just let it be.

The moon

“The moon was up, painting the world silver, making things look just a little more alive.”  ― N.D. Wilson, Leepike Ridge

TO DO

Since i am kind of vella right now, and everyone in my world seems to be busy. Few with their internship and the rest with their projects and group meetings. Also I am tired of killing time on facebook, where virtually everyone is having a blast. So i ended up building a castle in the air with a list of things.

1) PAINT :  If something can distract my vague thoughts, it is painting. I absolutely love that part of me. Right now i can imagine myself painting all those bits and pictures in my head i have collected while traveling for my internship. Wait they will be posted soon I promise, because that what i am planning to invest my time on.

2) READ : After "If you could see me now", "Animal Farm" is next on my list. I am hoping for some light moments and intelligent humor as suggested by a friend.

3) CRICKET AND FOOTBALL : Now that i see everyone talking in terms of cricket and football. I think i should learn bits of it so i can talk a little about it. At least should know the teams and players. Will be good for a start i guess. Any one wishing to volunteer?

4) TRAVEL : Okay, honestly I don't know when in my life i will have the pleasure of travelling and see the big world out there. But i do have my plans. My itinerary is not the stereotype of famous holiday spots instead it is a baggage of pictures i have browsed randomly (not sure if its the place or the photographer... or may be even photoshop) that attracted me. I wish to go and see those places where those pictures were taken, from the same angle from the same position. I wish to sit there enjoy the scene and absorb the beauty of it.
Hint: I really love Heights and water bodies, minus cold weather.

5) COOK : Not like everyday. But something special everyday. Watch Ratatouille, you will understand.

6) DSLR : Not sure if i am into photography. But i know its will help me give reason to people staring awkwardly, to understand why anyone will like to hang out alone.

7) SHOP : I want to shop till i drop. In my language shopping is treating yourself. If i am in bad mood, it adds little something to cheer me up.

PS- Thanks for bearing with this lame post. :P . Cant help it. I am bored.  

Letter to a friend

I had a dream last night. About us.

Not that its the first time, but somehow it felt different. I don't know. Its hard for me to explain and keep it in words right now.  But still if i try hard to put it in words,  "It was intense but oddly calm and soothing". We spoke nothing at all, not anything that i can recall or reproduce right now. I can just remember the silence we sat with.

It was almost midnight, i was sitting on the same rooftop of the store room beside the field. Do you remember the place?  It was just like old times, just like it use to be. Refreshing and green with the smell of the dirt, and merrily sprinting trees around. Remember how we use to jump walls to secretly sneak into the private field, completely avoiding "TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED". And the consequences and rebukes we faced because of it. Anyways i still don't regret a single moment of it or even the scolding sessions, my childhood and teenage wouldn't have been the same without it.   Amazingly that place still hold a huge sentimental value to me and will remain special to me in spite of the fact that its no more a field. It has outgrown itself into a jungle of concrete. I still do go out thr sometimes alone, when i miss you. Sit thr in silence with all those funny stories of our teenage in my head. How we discussed our lives our choice of careers, men.... family. How we wanted our lives to be after 10-15 years. And more importantly how badly we wanted to stay the bestest besties for ever and ever.

In my dream i was sitting in the dark silently, gazing at the stars, which were few in number. I was clearly missing you. Wanted to tell you so many things i have been experiencing in my waking life. And after few minutes i turn around and i see you sitting by my side. It was magical and miserable at the same time. For a moment i was happy, then realization hit me. You can not be thr. Its my imagination. I said nothing neither did you, and we both sat thr silently and cried. Occasionally looking at each other and smiling stupidly.

I woke up with moist eyes at 4 am. Needless to say couldn't go to bed again. My roomie is slowly getting tired of this. She can not understand, why i wake up in the mid of night and prefer to take a walk in the corridor instead. May be its because i think about you more often these days and i know its just my sub conscious that is doing the trick.

Events after that accident have started to fade away but somehow my feeling of grief multiplies everyday. Everyday i miss you a little more than yesterday. It wont be wrong to say that first few weeks were the easiest for me. May be i was in the state of denial. Perhaps that was the reason i did not come more often to see you in the ICU. Or may be I was scared to see you like that or accept that its actually happening. I remember my mom getting worried for me, and explaining me all the time. That even if you survive, you wont be the same person i knew since 2nd grade. Full of life, enthusiastic, talkative, empathetic and the one i was not ashamed to enjoy my dark side with. Instead you will be bed ridden, paralyzed and most probably wont be able to feel or analyze anything. Brain dead basically.

I sometimes dwell upon the if's and but's. If it was possible for me to change the course of events. If i would have asked you more often or tried to convince you not to be so dangerously close to danger. If i was not so busy with my own life and entrance exams at that point of time and if i had time to hear your latest stories of adventure. If and only if i could have tried a little more. But then sometimes i think to myself you were the wild child and spontaneous one, i was just the shy kid next door. How i could have ever expected you to change into ordinary one like me, who calculates the risk first and then step into the ocean. Its stupid. I loved your company, every one did. Because I basically loved being you, exploring my wild side. I loved being the partner in crime with you. It was hell so much fun. Specially when i knew you have my back. You will look after me no matter what.

Last time we talked, It was just after i received my admission letter. And you were telling me how things going to change. I will be living in a new city with new set of friends and possibly a new bestie. And i told you and promised you that i will visit you every vacation. We promised we will call each other every other day. And will always remain besties.

I absolutely hate myself for not going to see your parents more often in spite of living so close. I want to, but its so damn difficult. I have absolutely no idea how to talk to your parents or what to talk about. I was never good at socializing you know that. Instead It was you always finding new friends for me. I was the one hesitating to even ask a glass of water, when you will go and open up the fridge to check what you want to have on just one casual invitation "beta kya loge". 

Basically i just miss you. And no one can fill the void you create.

PS-HAPPY B'DAY :)